Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

This cake has a really summery flavor.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes and that's all I can think of writing. My brain is on E today (what else is new). If brains were petrol I probably couldn't power a fly's motorcycle around the circumference of a penny.

Also, when I just reread the title of this post I thought it said "Vagina Lemon Poppy Cake." VAGINA. Vagina is NOT a cake flavor. Even that sentence makes me dry heave a little. Sigh. I think it's time for a nap.

I'm so tired I'm starting to see Wolverine in the dry wall on my ceiling. That's when you know it's bad. Also, now that I'm thinking, why would a fly need a motorcyle? It would just, assumedly, fly. Unless it was as lazy as I am. If I were a fly, I'd need a motorcycle. Please step right ahead and stop reading this.

Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

3 1/3 tbsp poppy seeds
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 cup apple juice
2/3 cup maple syrup - Grade B, pure.
3 lemon rinds



-Okay first, you're going to want to mix the flour, baking soda/powder, salt, and poppy seeds all together, as the dry mix.

-Next: Add the apple juice, lemon juice, 3 tsp of vanilla, and maple syrup. (From Canada!). You can use store bought lemon juice, or just wait until you grate the lemons and then juice them.

 

-Take a food grater/shredder (I just used the grating tool on my food processor) and grate the rind of 3 lemons. If fruit could think, honestly, it would be like SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTT in the food processor. I always think of that whenever I use it.

-Now that you have all your lemon rinds (nom nom nom), mix them into the batter! I'm sure you got that, but I'm a little comatose right now, maybe you are too.

I just thought this picture was pretty and I wanted to show off.

-Now, put the cake in a 9 inch pan on 350 for 30-35 mins. Remember to grease the pan because I forgot again you don't want sad sticky cake, yo.

-In a little less than 3/4 of an hour, you'll be the proud owner of a brand-new cake, only pay S+H! Call 555-5555, that's 555-5555, that's 555-5555!!!

-If you want to make the icing I made (I just thought blueberries go well with lemon, if you don't well then, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Your Majesty) just throw in the food processor:

1/2 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 cup vegan margarine

 3 cup powdered sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 tsp strawberry extract

1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar

If you buy a pint of blueberries, you can use what's left to decorate, or you can just stare at them. I don't know. The apple cider vinegar gives frosting a really good, "cream cheese" like flavor.

Holla, brosef!

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Honestly I have no idea what the fuck a "torte" is, but this just didn't come out looking enough like a cake to call it a cake. Nonetheless, it's my favorite creation so far. Dude, this is soooooooooooo good. If you're not already dead, it's going to kill ya. 

This cake is reallllly rich. The opposite of me because I spend all my money on raspberries and X-Men movies.

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Torte:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup agave
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp vanilla

Icing:
3 cups vegan powdered sugar
2 pints raspberries
1/2 cup cran-grape juice
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup vegan margarine

-First, put the cup of almond milk on the stove until it bubbles. Then add the 3/4 cup cocoa, whisking until it dissolves. The remove the pan from the stove and set aside. It's not rocket science but I still almost messed it up like six times.

-Next in a bowl add the whole wheat flour, the baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Mix it obviously. If you didn't get that by yourself, you're probably clinically unsafe to be around.

 

-Next: In a separate bowl pour the maple syrup. Use Grade B pure Canadian maple syrup, it has the best flavor. It's like what Amber agave is to Light agave. Wow, I sound like such a douchebag.

Anyways, it's from Canada and Canada's AWESOME. Yeah, I said it. From Canada came Wolverine.  We love you, America's hat.

Mix the 1/2 cup agave with the maple syrup. Add to that the tsp apple cider vinegar.

                                   

-Next: Add the almond milk/cocoa mixture to the maple/agave mixture. Also in this put the 1/2 cup coconut oil. You will need to warm the coconut oil gently to liquify it. Put the measurement in a plastic bag, and putting the plastic bag in a bowl of hot water for a minute. Whisk all together.

-Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk until clump-free.

-Put in a 9-inch pan and place in the oven on 350 for 29 mins. Go ahead, try to put it in for 30 minutes. I dare you.

-Next combine all the icing ingredients in the food processor and blend it gently. Store in the fridge until serving time.

-Oh, look the cake's done! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnncy.

-Decorate and serve. Or just throw it at someone's face, that would be funny too.

Raw Vegan Brownies

These are my absolute favorite thing ever. I know you don't care, humor me for like eight seconds, Jesus. They are so fudgy and rich and perfect and delightful and small. And they're made from walnuts which are good for your whats? Your BRRAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSS as we zombies like to say. They're also super easy to make (super super super super, it's the word of pretentious assholes), and that's perfect because we all know you're lazy!


Raw Vegan Brownies + Chocolate Icing:

Brownies:
1 cup walnuts (do not soak)
1/4 cup cocoa
1 cup dates

Icing:
2 avocados
3/4 cups agave nectar
2 tbspn coconut oil
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup cocoa
dash cinnamon
dash salt

-First combine all the incredients for the brownie in the food processor, and food process that bitch. It'll be really dark and sticky. Don't make me make another 'that's what she said' joke. This smells like, soooooooo good. Press the mixture intothe bottom of a small pan.

-After this is all done, throw it into the freezer overnight so everything sets. Next, take all the ingredients for the icing, and wait until morning to process it, or whenever you plan on eating the brownies. The icing needs to be refridgerated at all times or it'll end up looking like your spleen did on day 27 after your burial. You might need to add more agave to this frosting depending on your preferences.

-It's easy to get the avocado out if you cut it in a criss-cross pattern. Don't be scared of avocados in frosting. They're a lot less scary than Joan Rivers' face and I know you watch that stupid E! Red Carpet thing. I know you do.