Black Quinoa With Lime and Rice Vinegar

Honestly, I'm having a moment of unrepentant joy because I just read Daniel Day Lewis is going to play Professor Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes 2. EVERYONE knows Sherlock Holmes is so awesome that it could melt your eyes. He's like the first superhero ever because he has a super MIND. Science is hot. So importantly:

Now, back to this recipe. Honestly, this recipe is kind of so boring you might want to kill yourself before you even finish making it. Like, suicides might occur because of this recipe. Thus, I feel the extra need (on top of the usual need) to make funny comments and put up stupid, disconnected pictures. It's what I call a defense strategy. Basically you're taking your life in your hands if you choose to make this. It's what I call, throwing shit together when you're bored/lazy/otherwise inadequate.

Black Quinoa with Lime and Rice Vinegar 

1 cup black (or regular) quinoa

1 1/2 cup water

canola oil

2 tbsp lime juice

1 tsp cayenne pepper

1 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 whole onion

1 red bell pepper

3 tsp rice vinegar

-Okay, so I got black quinoa at this health food store near where I live. It's apparently the "wild" version of regular quinoa. Wild is a pretty good adjective, so I decided to spring the 7.76$ to buy it. Who the fuck charges seventy-SIX cents for anything, I don't know. That's not my area of expertise. (Nothing is).

Despite my whining, it's actually really good- it remains crunchy after it's cooked and has a less nuttier flavor than regular quinoa. If you can find it and you're gullible like me, buy it.

-First, put 1 cup of quinoa with 1 1/2 cups water in a pan. Handle that? Okay now turn on the stove and let it come to boil, bringing down the temp to a simmer until all the water evaporates. Cook it like rice, homie.

-Next, pour some canola oil into a frying pan and throw in the cut up red bell pepper. Let that sit for a while before tossing in the onion because peppers cook slower. I use canola when I fry because it's supposed to not transform chemically/magically/religiously when it's cooked, creating a toxin called HNE (fun, look it up) and kill you.

It's something that happens with lipid peroxidation, which is just a nerd way of saying heating oils. Polyunsaturated fatty acids contain lots of double bonds- they have reactive hydrogen atoms. WHICH MEANS blah blah blah sciencey shit, basically: sesame, canola, coconut oils are all pretty good to be heated at high temperatures. However, I am an idiot, even I really don't believe myself. Why should you, if you think about it.

-I threw some extra paprika on the heating pepper and onions to infuse flavor.

-Next, take the quinoa off the heat (it'll prob take about 10-15 mins to cook), and pour the veggies over it. Add the salt, lime, cayenne, rice vinegar, and paprika. I put a shitload of extra lime on mine because I like the flavor a lot. Ease up on the cayenne if you don't like spicy food, or cut it out altogether.

-Dude, you're all done! Quinoa's awesome because it's the grain with the most protein, so it mf fills you up. Eat, mofo.

Vegan Strawberry-Basil Scones

So, I was perusing the blogosphere and came across Carla from Canada's brilliant blog The Year of the Vegan . Everyone knows how much I love Canada because Wolverine comes from Canada. And that's where I found this fucking awesome recipe. TWO more reasons to love the True North.

As usual I made changes to suit my preferences but her original recipe can be found here and it's amazing.

Vegan Strawberry-Basil Scones

1 cup almond milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
3 tbspn strawberry jam
1 tbsp light agave
3 tbsp canola oil
2 tsp strawberry extract
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
3 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup strawberry, diced
2 tbsp basil, packed


-First mix almond milk and the apple cider vinegar together. Let curd for 5 mins.

-Cut up strawberries and set aside.

-Add the jam, agave, strawberry extract and oil to the almond milk. Whisk this bitch together.

-Mix in the flours, the baking soda/powder and salt. The batter will be tough. After you do that (pick it up, what are you, part turtle?) fold in the basil.

-Fold in the strawberries! 1 cup is kind of a lot and the original recipe calls for 1/2 cup. I love strawberries so, if you're really devoted like me, you'll work that dough until they all fit in. Aw yeah, like that baby.

-Put these puppies on parchment paper, the oven set on 375, for approx 17-20 mins.

-And then you're done! This is a pretty easy recipe altogether, even for me, and I have the IQ of a volcanized rock.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

Hooray! I know, chocolate chip cookies are so good they make you want to puke. I actually made these a couple days ago but was too lazy to put all the pics and stuff up on the computer. On top of this the pictures sucked because my digital camera still runs on BATTERIES and is a piece of shit. Yeah. So, I was stomping around like the baby I am.

At first, I scorned the cookies because I deemed them a terrible, horrible failure and a testament to my already dubious talent. But then, I came around. I became like the woman who says she never wants to have kids, and then she has one by accident (heyyyya!) and swears to have 50 more.

I would have 50 more batches of these little mf bites of joy.

So, if you're feeling like Wolverine today:

Then do I have a recipe for you! These are are not the overly-sugary ooey-gooey cookies your mom makes. They have a rich, full flavor and a hearty yumminess to them. If you don't like them, they also make really good ammo, so throw them at your mirror when you have your inevitable moment of self-hatred for the day!

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups whole wheat flour

1/3 cup agave syrup (Amber)

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 cup almond milk

1/4 cup canola oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
4-5 squares of bittersweet vegan baking chocolate

*Makes about 24 small cookies

-Most pure baking chocolate is vegan, however sometimes it is "produced on equipment that manufactures milk, soy, etc" - If you have a problem with this, Whole Foods chocolate chips and Trader Joe's chocolate chips are both vegan. Also, carob chips (which taste a little different, nuttier, but are equally AMAZING) are another option. They have a very chocolate-y consistency after being baked. Also, you can give carob chips to your dog. Or if you really hate your dog, go ahead with the chocolate chips.

-Step 1: Mix all dry ingredients together. 2 cups flour, baking soda/powder, salt.

-Next, whisk all the wet ingredients together. Almond milk, canola oil, agave syrup, vanilla. I always use Almond Breeze brand almond milk. I think the Silk kind is kind of tasteless. Almond Breeze, represent. When I made these cookies I forgot to put in the agave and realized only after they were in the oven. So I had to take them out, pouting like a 2 year old, and put it in ex post. Fail.

- Now, whisk the wet mixture into the dry slowly.

-Next, chop up 4-5 blocks of vegan baking chocolate with a good knife. As a zombie, I'm used to people coming at me with knives. But as a human, I think you should be concerned if you chop off a finger or two. Unless you're part starfish, then by all means, please send me a YouTube vid. Ps. Wolverine can regrow his fingers too.

-Now mix the shavings into the batter by hand. Yes, by hand you lazy ****.

-My dog Taz is obviously worried I am going to leave the oven on again and burn down the house. 
 

-Last, roll all the cookies out on a greased (with canola) cookie sheet, and cook on 350 for about 13-15 mins. Normally, you'd let them in for a little less time, but since we used agave you're supposed to extend baking time by 6%. I read that off an agave manufacturer's website once, but you were fooled for a minute, weren't you? That'll teach you to trust me.

-nom nom nom nom. I left these sitting out for a day, and they really absorbed the chocolate flavor.

-Look it's a cookie-a-whirl! Sorry I have the excitement capacity of a toddler. Anyways, you're done! Go eat, and stop bothering me! *classy grin*

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Honestly I have no idea what the fuck a "torte" is, but this just didn't come out looking enough like a cake to call it a cake. Nonetheless, it's my favorite creation so far. Dude, this is soooooooooooo good. If you're not already dead, it's going to kill ya. 

This cake is reallllly rich. The opposite of me because I spend all my money on raspberries and X-Men movies.

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Torte:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup agave
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp vanilla

Icing:
3 cups vegan powdered sugar
2 pints raspberries
1/2 cup cran-grape juice
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup vegan margarine

-First, put the cup of almond milk on the stove until it bubbles. Then add the 3/4 cup cocoa, whisking until it dissolves. The remove the pan from the stove and set aside. It's not rocket science but I still almost messed it up like six times.

-Next in a bowl add the whole wheat flour, the baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Mix it obviously. If you didn't get that by yourself, you're probably clinically unsafe to be around.

 

-Next: In a separate bowl pour the maple syrup. Use Grade B pure Canadian maple syrup, it has the best flavor. It's like what Amber agave is to Light agave. Wow, I sound like such a douchebag.

Anyways, it's from Canada and Canada's AWESOME. Yeah, I said it. From Canada came Wolverine.  We love you, America's hat.

Mix the 1/2 cup agave with the maple syrup. Add to that the tsp apple cider vinegar.

                                   

-Next: Add the almond milk/cocoa mixture to the maple/agave mixture. Also in this put the 1/2 cup coconut oil. You will need to warm the coconut oil gently to liquify it. Put the measurement in a plastic bag, and putting the plastic bag in a bowl of hot water for a minute. Whisk all together.

-Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk until clump-free.

-Put in a 9-inch pan and place in the oven on 350 for 29 mins. Go ahead, try to put it in for 30 minutes. I dare you.

-Next combine all the icing ingredients in the food processor and blend it gently. Store in the fridge until serving time.

-Oh, look the cake's done! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnncy.

-Decorate and serve. Or just throw it at someone's face, that would be funny too.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

First off, I love whiskey. I wish I could put it in everything, including my toothpaste. I wish I could put it in my saliva ducts. LOL! I'm so funny, look at me making jokes. Yay Jameson ftw.

This recipe is an amalgam of different recipes I have found on the web. The most significant change I made is including both brown sugar and agave. Also, I always use all whole wheat flour, never a mix of white and whole wheat. Ugh, I sound so racist.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

Ingredients:

2 1/3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tbsp cocoa

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup vegan margaine, softened

1/2 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup agave (or 1 cup sugar)

egg replacer for 3 eggs

1/2 cup strong black coffee

1/2 cup of whiskey

Side note: Most maragines are vegan, however trace bits of milk etc can get into any maragarine not labeled "vegan." The only reason I buy the specific vegan kind is because Earth Balance can come "soy free" and I like that. Because I'm a freak.

-First, mix flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt in a large bowl. Sift it, ho.

-In a separate bowl, mix the maragarine, brown sugar, and agave. Cream it together. This recipe goes well with Amber not Light agave, because it has a richer flavor. Like your mom.

-Add 3 tbspn egg replacer to equal parts water and add this to the wet mixture.

-Next: In a separate dish add the 1/2 cup of whiskey to the 1/2 cup of coffee. I'd consider using anything but Jameson for this recipe to be blasphemous. But who the hell am I? God? Someone with big tits? Who the hell is listening to me? Use whatever you want, you jackass.

Coffee and whiskey! Nom nom nom.

-Next: Add the wet mixture and the coffee/whiskey blend to the dry mixture slowly. Taste the batter once it's done. If hot people had a flavor, it would be this one.

-Next: Cook on 350 for 40 mins in any pan. Pause: remember to grease the pan w/margarine because if you don't you'll be sad like I was when I pulled it out of the oven and it stuck to the inside of the pan. I almost cried like a church on a Monday but then my mom came over and saved it because she could tell I was on the verge of a mini breakdown; as that's completely normal and not drastic at all. Thanks Ma, you're cool. PS. I'm watching Teen Wolf right now.

-Dust w/powdered sugar. Or don't; this isn't Adolf Hitler's cooking hour.

-If you're going for elegant I would suggest styrofoam plates purchased at your local Wal-Mart and a plastic fork that was preferably on sale at Publix in bulk, but do what you can.

Vegan Cornbread

This isn't "raw" vegan because it's being cooked in the oven, but it's still offensively good. If you like really dense but light, unsweet cornbread, this is for yoself mere mortal.

Vegan Cornbread
Ingredients:

2 cups cornmeal
3/4 can yellow corn
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 cups unsweetened almond milk
1/3 cup canola oil
2 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp honey or maple syrup
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup brown flax seeds


-Step one: mix the apple cider vinegar and the almond milk. You've gotta curd that bitch. Whip it good. Don't forget the honey or the maple syrup to the wet mixture, like I did almost did. If you do this, you will catch the pox.

-Next: In a separate bowl mix the dry ingredients. Mix together the 2 cups cornmeal, whole wheat flour, can of yellow corn (I only used 3/4 of the can), and baking powder together. Add the canola oil to this mixture as well. Beat ittttttttt.

-Now: we're getting funky. What, jackass? I love cornbread. Mix the wet and dry ingredients together. I'm not even going to say it, but you know what I think this looks like.

-Next: You can add the flax seeds if you want to/have them. I add flax seeds to everything because they have OMEGA-3s and they're supposed to make you less of a moron. Honestly, it hasn't worked out that well for me so far, so. Up to you.

-Next: Put the entire mixture into a 9x13 (or whatever else you have, come on) pan lined with parchment paper. If you grease it, do it with oil not buttah. Otherwise it won't be vegan, yo. Parchment paper requires less clean up =win. And it gives the bread a cool texture.

Jesus, I can't write comments on every photo. Are you really concerned? Um... look. Here it is again from a different angle. I can take cool artistic shots of food. Except substitute "cool" and "artistic" for "desperate" and "needy for attention."

-Bake for 35 mins on 350 degree heat. If you keep it in for less, the inside texture might be a little grainy. No one likes grains. Not even their mothers.

-I think this tastes really good drizzled w/honey or jam. But what do I know, I eat vegan food so it's probably all disgusting in general. Thanks, critic.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Right now, I live somewhere where apple pies cry in a bathroom stall because no one likes them and key lime pie is the cool kid. Needless to say, I'm the apple pie because I'm a loser and I'm excited for the Avengers movie, probably more excited than I am to wake up in the morning. I nearly died the other day when the whole cast got together at Comic Con. All I can say is that I'm sad Wolverine won't be included in the cast as well, because frankly, he owns.

Anyway...pie. Key Lime Pie is such a tool, so fuck you Key Lime Pie. There is literally a jillion (yes, a jillion) ways you could make raw vegan apple pie. So here's my version.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Crust:

1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 cups pecans
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup dates

Filling:
6 medium apples, peeled, cored - I used red because I'm a communist! JK. Not even close. But I did use red.
3/4 cup dates
1/2 cup raisins
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbspn honey

Topping:
3/4 cup cranberries
2 large squirts honey
2 handfuls of red grapes
3/4 cup water
1 handful of blueberries

-First, food process all the ingredients for the crust and press the crust mixture into the bottom of the pan. It should smell like Canada, aka maple syrup. Wolverine would be proud.

Look. That's so pretty. You didn't think you had it in you, did you? Yeah, I didn't have faith in you either.

-Next, peel and dice the apples. If you don't dice them really small, the food processor will probably explode all over your face and turn you into a hideous half-man a la Harvey Dent.

This is my dog Taz. He was really concerned, probably because he knows I have an IQ lower than his.

-Add 3/4 of the diced apples and the dates into the food processor. Then add raisins and honey and cinnamon. After this is all mixed, dump out the filling mixture into a bowl. Blend the other 1/4 apples separately. Then blend both mixtures together, otherwise it might get messy and there will be large pieces of unchopped apple.

-

-Spoon the apple mixture into the crust. Garnish with raisins and cranberries if you want to be a bamf.

-Next, mix the blueberries, grapes, cranberries, water and honey to make the sauce.

-I recommend making this pie if you want to eat it right away because it doesn't keep well for many days. The apple topping makes the crust soggy. When you're all done, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then enjoy!