Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

This cake has a really summery flavor.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes and that's all I can think of writing. My brain is on E today (what else is new). If brains were petrol I probably couldn't power a fly's motorcycle around the circumference of a penny.

Also, when I just reread the title of this post I thought it said "Vagina Lemon Poppy Cake." VAGINA. Vagina is NOT a cake flavor. Even that sentence makes me dry heave a little. Sigh. I think it's time for a nap.

I'm so tired I'm starting to see Wolverine in the dry wall on my ceiling. That's when you know it's bad. Also, now that I'm thinking, why would a fly need a motorcyle? It would just, assumedly, fly. Unless it was as lazy as I am. If I were a fly, I'd need a motorcycle. Please step right ahead and stop reading this.

Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

3 1/3 tbsp poppy seeds
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 cup apple juice
2/3 cup maple syrup - Grade B, pure.
3 lemon rinds



-Okay first, you're going to want to mix the flour, baking soda/powder, salt, and poppy seeds all together, as the dry mix.

-Next: Add the apple juice, lemon juice, 3 tsp of vanilla, and maple syrup. (From Canada!). You can use store bought lemon juice, or just wait until you grate the lemons and then juice them.

 

-Take a food grater/shredder (I just used the grating tool on my food processor) and grate the rind of 3 lemons. If fruit could think, honestly, it would be like SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTT in the food processor. I always think of that whenever I use it.

-Now that you have all your lemon rinds (nom nom nom), mix them into the batter! I'm sure you got that, but I'm a little comatose right now, maybe you are too.

I just thought this picture was pretty and I wanted to show off.

-Now, put the cake in a 9 inch pan on 350 for 30-35 mins. Remember to grease the pan because I forgot again you don't want sad sticky cake, yo.

-In a little less than 3/4 of an hour, you'll be the proud owner of a brand-new cake, only pay S+H! Call 555-5555, that's 555-5555, that's 555-5555!!!

-If you want to make the icing I made (I just thought blueberries go well with lemon, if you don't well then, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Your Majesty) just throw in the food processor:

1/2 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 cup vegan margarine

 3 cup powdered sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 tsp strawberry extract

1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar

If you buy a pint of blueberries, you can use what's left to decorate, or you can just stare at them. I don't know. The apple cider vinegar gives frosting a really good, "cream cheese" like flavor.

Holla, brosef!

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Honestly I have no idea what the fuck a "torte" is, but this just didn't come out looking enough like a cake to call it a cake. Nonetheless, it's my favorite creation so far. Dude, this is soooooooooooo good. If you're not already dead, it's going to kill ya. 

This cake is reallllly rich. The opposite of me because I spend all my money on raspberries and X-Men movies.

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Torte:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup agave
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp vanilla

Icing:
3 cups vegan powdered sugar
2 pints raspberries
1/2 cup cran-grape juice
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup vegan margarine

-First, put the cup of almond milk on the stove until it bubbles. Then add the 3/4 cup cocoa, whisking until it dissolves. The remove the pan from the stove and set aside. It's not rocket science but I still almost messed it up like six times.

-Next in a bowl add the whole wheat flour, the baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Mix it obviously. If you didn't get that by yourself, you're probably clinically unsafe to be around.

 

-Next: In a separate bowl pour the maple syrup. Use Grade B pure Canadian maple syrup, it has the best flavor. It's like what Amber agave is to Light agave. Wow, I sound like such a douchebag.

Anyways, it's from Canada and Canada's AWESOME. Yeah, I said it. From Canada came Wolverine.  We love you, America's hat.

Mix the 1/2 cup agave with the maple syrup. Add to that the tsp apple cider vinegar.

                                   

-Next: Add the almond milk/cocoa mixture to the maple/agave mixture. Also in this put the 1/2 cup coconut oil. You will need to warm the coconut oil gently to liquify it. Put the measurement in a plastic bag, and putting the plastic bag in a bowl of hot water for a minute. Whisk all together.

-Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk until clump-free.

-Put in a 9-inch pan and place in the oven on 350 for 29 mins. Go ahead, try to put it in for 30 minutes. I dare you.

-Next combine all the icing ingredients in the food processor and blend it gently. Store in the fridge until serving time.

-Oh, look the cake's done! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnncy.

-Decorate and serve. Or just throw it at someone's face, that would be funny too.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

First off, I love whiskey. I wish I could put it in everything, including my toothpaste. I wish I could put it in my saliva ducts. LOL! I'm so funny, look at me making jokes. Yay Jameson ftw.

This recipe is an amalgam of different recipes I have found on the web. The most significant change I made is including both brown sugar and agave. Also, I always use all whole wheat flour, never a mix of white and whole wheat. Ugh, I sound so racist.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

Ingredients:

2 1/3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tbsp cocoa

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup vegan margaine, softened

1/2 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup agave (or 1 cup sugar)

egg replacer for 3 eggs

1/2 cup strong black coffee

1/2 cup of whiskey

Side note: Most maragines are vegan, however trace bits of milk etc can get into any maragarine not labeled "vegan." The only reason I buy the specific vegan kind is because Earth Balance can come "soy free" and I like that. Because I'm a freak.

-First, mix flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt in a large bowl. Sift it, ho.

-In a separate bowl, mix the maragarine, brown sugar, and agave. Cream it together. This recipe goes well with Amber not Light agave, because it has a richer flavor. Like your mom.

-Add 3 tbspn egg replacer to equal parts water and add this to the wet mixture.

-Next: In a separate dish add the 1/2 cup of whiskey to the 1/2 cup of coffee. I'd consider using anything but Jameson for this recipe to be blasphemous. But who the hell am I? God? Someone with big tits? Who the hell is listening to me? Use whatever you want, you jackass.

Coffee and whiskey! Nom nom nom.

-Next: Add the wet mixture and the coffee/whiskey blend to the dry mixture slowly. Taste the batter once it's done. If hot people had a flavor, it would be this one.

-Next: Cook on 350 for 40 mins in any pan. Pause: remember to grease the pan w/margarine because if you don't you'll be sad like I was when I pulled it out of the oven and it stuck to the inside of the pan. I almost cried like a church on a Monday but then my mom came over and saved it because she could tell I was on the verge of a mini breakdown; as that's completely normal and not drastic at all. Thanks Ma, you're cool. PS. I'm watching Teen Wolf right now.

-Dust w/powdered sugar. Or don't; this isn't Adolf Hitler's cooking hour.

-If you're going for elegant I would suggest styrofoam plates purchased at your local Wal-Mart and a plastic fork that was preferably on sale at Publix in bulk, but do what you can.

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake

Okay, I'm just getting the hang of this "blog" thing. Give me a break. I have been dead for like, three hundred years, and I also am missing the nub of my left ring finger (chopped it off when I found out my ex-husband was sleeping with the corpse of Angelina Jolie's grandmother). Whore.

Anyways! This is my first recipe for Raw Vegan Cheesecake. I adapted this recipe from a bunch of raw cheesecake websites on the web (I like to mix and match).

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake:

Ingredients

Filling:

3 1/2 cups unsalted cashews (soak 1-4 hours)

1 cup water

1 cup coconut oil

3/4 cup lemon juice

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup agave nectar

Crust:
2 cups unsalted almonds (soak 1-4 hours)
1 cup pitted dates (soak with almonds)

Garnish: Strawberries, cut

Homie, let them soak. If you don't you will be sorely disappointed in yourself. I am already disappointed in you and you probably haven't even done anything yet.

-First cut the strawberries for garnish. Don't get too excited.

We've got really nice facilities in Hell, don't we? 

-After 1-4 hours, combine dates and almonds in the food processor and blend until they have a "diced" look to them. It's going to stick together like the corpses of Romeo and Juliet. Press the mixture into a pan.

-After 1-4 hours of soaking the cashews, put them in the food processor alongside everything else in the filling list. It'll taste so good you'll puke, I swear. You're going to need to melt-down the coconut oil, (put the measurement in a plastic bag, then let it sit in hot water for a minute).

Spoon it all into the crust after it gets a creamy texture, and then put the cheesecake into the freezer for 1-3 hours. It won't "freeze" it'll just harden (that's what she said). The coconut oil in it is a solid a room temperature and this is what stabilizes the pie. You learned something new today (?) ! If you didn't, well excuse me, ass, next time I won't try.

-After you take it out of the freezer, let it defrost for about a 1/2 hour in the fridge. You can then try to be a real douchebag like me and decorate it with the strawberries so people compliment you. Money can buy you love if you use it to buy ingredients for pie.

-Now. Why are you making this cake in the first place? Don't eat it all by yourself you fat ass. But you know, even if this isn't for a zombie dinner party, all the good-for-you fats inside of it will actually help you lose weight. Cooler than a witch's tit, right?? If any of your dead weight companions aren't vegan and start to bemoan your choice of lifestyle, shove a forkful of this in their mouth. I guarantee you they'll like it better than the real stuff.

And if they don't, oh well, they suck.