Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake

Okay, I'm just getting the hang of this "blog" thing. Give me a break. I have been dead for like, three hundred years, and I also am missing the nub of my left ring finger (chopped it off when I found out my ex-husband was sleeping with the corpse of Angelina Jolie's grandmother). Whore.

Anyways! This is my first recipe for Raw Vegan Cheesecake. I adapted this recipe from a bunch of raw cheesecake websites on the web (I like to mix and match).

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake:

Ingredients

Filling:

3 1/2 cups unsalted cashews (soak 1-4 hours)

1 cup water

1 cup coconut oil

3/4 cup lemon juice

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup agave nectar

Crust:
2 cups unsalted almonds (soak 1-4 hours)
1 cup pitted dates (soak with almonds)

Garnish: Strawberries, cut

Homie, let them soak. If you don't you will be sorely disappointed in yourself. I am already disappointed in you and you probably haven't even done anything yet.

-First cut the strawberries for garnish. Don't get too excited.

We've got really nice facilities in Hell, don't we? 

-After 1-4 hours, combine dates and almonds in the food processor and blend until they have a "diced" look to them. It's going to stick together like the corpses of Romeo and Juliet. Press the mixture into a pan.

-After 1-4 hours of soaking the cashews, put them in the food processor alongside everything else in the filling list. It'll taste so good you'll puke, I swear. You're going to need to melt-down the coconut oil, (put the measurement in a plastic bag, then let it sit in hot water for a minute).

Spoon it all into the crust after it gets a creamy texture, and then put the cheesecake into the freezer for 1-3 hours. It won't "freeze" it'll just harden (that's what she said). The coconut oil in it is a solid a room temperature and this is what stabilizes the pie. You learned something new today (?) ! If you didn't, well excuse me, ass, next time I won't try.

-After you take it out of the freezer, let it defrost for about a 1/2 hour in the fridge. You can then try to be a real douchebag like me and decorate it with the strawberries so people compliment you. Money can buy you love if you use it to buy ingredients for pie.

-Now. Why are you making this cake in the first place? Don't eat it all by yourself you fat ass. But you know, even if this isn't for a zombie dinner party, all the good-for-you fats inside of it will actually help you lose weight. Cooler than a witch's tit, right?? If any of your dead weight companions aren't vegan and start to bemoan your choice of lifestyle, shove a forkful of this in their mouth. I guarantee you they'll like it better than the real stuff.

And if they don't, oh well, they suck.