Pureed Cauliflower

A very healthy, low-calorie, vitamin-packed alternative to mashed potatoes. Pureed cauliflower is incredibly easy to make and requires just a few ingredients. The winter vegetable cauliflower is commonly found in stores during the chilly months which makes this dish the perfect stand-in to butter-laden, cream-heavy mash-po.

The taste is smooth, creamy (without the cream), and delicious. There isn't a pungent cauliflower flavor at all. 'Cross my heart.

Really, your scale will thank you. You know you need it after those three (we know it wasn't just two) cookies and that candy-cane shot, and the Grinch mixed drink, and the snowstorm kahlua, and the pumpkin pie...

Pureed Cauliflower

1 head o' cauliflower

1 box/can vegetable broth

1/4 cup cashews

1 tsp white vinegar

1 tsp lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

1 tbsp vegan margarine

Before cooking: Soak cashews 1 hour in water.

1. Cut all of the stems off of the cauliflower and roughly chop the heads.

2. Place them in a medium pot with the vegetable broth. You're going to want to cover the cauliflower with the broth, but just use that amount. It's alright if you have some broth unused.

3. Let the broth boil and them bring it down to a simmer. Cook the cauliflower for about 15 minutes or until tender. Drain the broth, reserving 2 tbsp of the cooking liquid.

4.Take the tender cauliflower, 2 tbsp cooking liquid, drained cashews, 1 tsp lemon juice, 1 tsp vinegar, and 1 tbsp vegan margarine and puree all ingredients in a food processor until the mixture is smooth.

5. Season with salt and pepper and garnich with a little pat of vegan margarine. Voila... you have completed your destiny.

Back from the Dead!!!

Hello ladies & gents! A little status message... I have some good news and some good news. I will do this in a LIST since I love lists, and no one can take that away from me.

1. First of all, my apologies for being, for lack of better word, dead, for the past several months. It almost seems it's been ages since I posted on here at all! Boo hoo, right? :( I am crying tears of salty sadness.

       a.HOWEVER. They are not tears of salty sadness borne of neglect! I have been very, very blessed to have been (since September) in the process of writing a vegan cookbook that will be in stores in March 2011!

       b.Holy shit, right???

       c. The book, aimed at all you lovely flexitarians out there is titled The Part-Time Vegan and will have simple, easy-to-follow, easy-to-find-ingredients-for recipes that will (hopefully) be acompanied by clever and amusing introductions by moi, your humble servant.

2. I may be getting my own domain sometime soon! I am looking to create my own .com which will be prettier and full of more superheroes than you could ever possibly imagine! When this happens, there will be a message and link on my blog redirecting lovely readers.

3. Until then, I will be updating the blog with new recipes, because the work of writing, editing, searching through galleys, emailing editors, going crazy, losing my mind also, making too much food for my own good-- is all, done done done!!

4. A very Merry Sithmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year to everyone who reads this here missive!

Vegan Spaghetti Squash

So, I have been incredibly busy for the past few weeks (leaving little time to think up new recipes)! Something very exciting has been happening...

But that is neither here nor there, and has nothing to do with the easy, low calorie recipe that I've got here for you. Tired? Exhausted? Welcome to the fucking club, we've got a DJ on Fridays. That's why the recipe is easy peasy.

Quick Spaghetti Squash Dinner
1 spaghetti squash
1 yellow tomato
2 tbsp olive oil
salt to taste
cracker black pepper to taste
garlic to taste
your favorite store-bought tomato sauce
¼ cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup red wine
2 tbsp nutritional yeast

1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Cut a spaghetti squash in half (be careful, butterfingers). 'Squash' is kind of a cute word, but if I had never eaten it before I would assume it tastes like a foot. I promise you it doesn't. Believe me or not! This is your own destiny.

2.Seed the squash, brush w/ olive oil, and season with salt, pepper and garlic. Let bake face down in the oven for about 45 minutes.

3.Chop up your tomato, and let it marinade in the red wine/balsamic mixture.

4. When the spaghettic squash is done and cooled (about 5 mins), gut it into a glass bowl, adding all other ingredients and your favorite store-bought tomato sauce. Top with nutritional yeast if it suits your fancy fancy tastes.

Hummus is Yummus

My favorite thing on earth to eat is chickpeas. I like chickpeas on pancakes, I like chickpeas on pizza. I like chickpeas in my toothpaste and if they invented it, I would buy chickpea flavored lube. Well, no probably not. But I would consider it.

So, here is a quick, easy, no-brain-dead-idiot-could-mess-this-up version of the best thing since before the Beatles: Hummus.

Quick Easy Hummus

1 can chickpeas + water in can

2 tbsp tahini paste

2 tbsp olive oil

3/4 tsp salt

2 tsp lemon juice

2 tsp minced garlic

-This is a recipe even your dog couldn't mess up, even my dog, who is probably a reincarnated rock.

-Hummus has tons of PROTEIN, so it's awesome! Or, it'll give you really bad indigestion.

-Just blend all of this in the food processor and you're good to go! If you eat bread and aren't gluten-adverse, make sure your bread doesn't have lactylate as an ingredient b/c this can come from animals. However, it can also come from plants, or be synthetically created! (yay scary labs!) So check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

-Lastly, if you want to be all posh and fancy and better than me, sprinkle paprika over the top of your godly creation. It will look professional and like you have more skillz than you do! (Lying is the best way to impress people!)

-Ummmm, that's it. I'll put up something more interesting when I get more interesting.

(don't hold your breath)

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies

Or, pseudo-chocolate chip cookies.

Or, awesomeness with awesome sauce.

Okay, I'll be honest, I have nothing funny or clever today. On all accounts, I've been quite boring. My normal, antisocial, semi-sociopathic personality has come out to lounge on the lilo and here, I have this offering for you, promising I'll come around.

I actually like the way carob chips taste even better than chocolate chips, but, we never did say I was normal, did we.

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies
1/2 cup canola oil
1 tsp vanilla
1 heaping tbsp cornstarch
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup water
carob chips to taste
1 cup vegan sugar





-Just mix all bits and lay out on a greased cookie sheet.
-These came out tasting exactly like your mom's chocolate chip cookies - they're really gooey to begin with, but they harden up. Cook on 350 for about 10 mins.
-I just sort of threw mine onto the pan and didn't roll them up into balls. I would advise rolling them up so they don't resemble invertebrates.

-Ummmmmmmmm, nothing.

Vegan Blueberry Breakfast Bars

Wow. Wow. Wow. These are really good. Not very sweet, aside from the blueberry flavor, which is awesome. Just how I like it. Somehow, they manage to stay so light and airy and chewy it's almost offensive. Almost.

Blueberry Breakfast Bars
fantastic original recipe here

1 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup oats
1/3 cup vegan brown sugar or maple syrup
2 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup almond milk
1/4 cup applesauce
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 1/2 cup blueberries




-Basically, mix everything together except the blueberries, and then fold the blueberries in so they don't get crushed and mushy.

-Put mixture into a greased pan (I used parchment paper instead, in my opinion, so much better) in an 8x8 pan or equal size. Oven on 400 and leave em' in for about 25 mins and you're so good.

-Taz wanted some :( I gave him some blueberries. Good little boy.

Vegan Grilled Polenta

I have raw alfredo and raw pesto sitting in the fridge, and became suddenly possessed by the idea of cooking polenta the other day when I saw it at the store. Or really, when I saw the pricetag of it in the store (2.50).

So I invented this recipe which is really, superbly great tasting. If I don't say so myself, and I am saying so myself *gentlemanly wink* It makes a great summer appetizer.

I'm a lazy f*** so I bought the pre-cooked Polenta. Really, who wants to sit and stir polenta for 45 mins in a (specifically) copper pot? I might have on another day, just because I think it is hilarious all the recipes say a "copper" pot.

What would happen if I cooked it in a steel pot?? The world may never know.

Vegan Grilled Polenta
1/4 cup walnuts
1 package pre-cooked polenta
canola oil
vegan pesto
vegan alfredo
3/4 cup julienne sundried tomatoes
1/2 cup red wine
salt
cracked ground pepper
4 gloves minced garlic
parsley to taste




-First, soak the sundried tomatoes in the red wine. Leave it for later.

-Next, sautee garlic, salt and pepper in canola oil. I used an electric frying pan to do this.

-Chop polenta into thick pieces. The thin ones don't do too well during grilling. Throw them into the frying pan to singe them - this will not take very long.

-Next, lay the polenta onto a cookie sheet and cover with dash salt/pepper, parsley, pesto, walnuts, and sundried tomatoes.

-Put these homies in the oven on 350 for 10 minutes.

-Cover with vegan alfredo and serve warm! nom nom nom

Raw Vegan Pesto w/Tofu Noodles

So, today I went to the market with the express purpose of making pot stickers, because my life is oh so interesting (it's ok, judge me) and for some inexplicable reason I look FORWARD to making pot stickers. That reason is actually, if you could not guess, me having no life.

I was very sad to find out that the wonton wraps I was going to use had egg in them. So, picking myself up from my deflated moment of blatant self-pity and potential wrath (damn you, eggs, damn you all) I saw something else cool.

I love spending way too much time in grocery stores and unearthing random food products and today I found Tofu Shirataki, a noodle made by blending tofu and the Konnyaku plant. What the fuck is that, do you say? It is sometimes referred to as a yam, and looks like this:

It has a gelatin-like property, and is used to make jellies. It's popular in Asia!

Thank you, Asia!

So anywho, it's vegan, gluten-free, and comes in a bunch of different pasta "styles." The kicker really was it being only 20 calories per serving! Well, I declare! That means you can load it up with delicious home-made pesto.

If you buy this, make sure that you rinse the noodles thoroughly and then microwave it for about a minute. It'll get rid of the 'fishy' smell it has - and it really does have this bizarre smell until you zap it. That's what he said. Holy shit, I just realized this looks like a vagina AND smells fishy, seriously that is gross, but at the same time, too much of a coincidence to ignore.

Raw Vegan Pesto
1 cup walnuts
1 cup olive oil
1 tsp salt
6 gloves garlic, minced
2-3 cups packed basil
1 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 tbsp nutritional yeast (optional)






-I used walnuts in my pesto because pine nuts are too much effing money. You can also use almonds, they work really well.

-Just process all ingredients and top your fav pasta, or store in refridgerator.

Word.

Edit. Note: I just noticed on the Tofu Shirataki website it calls the fishy smell of the noodles before microwaving the "authentic aroma" bwhahaha. Riiiight.

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

This is the most amazing recipe, so quick and easy and absolutely delicious. There's only 1 semi unavailable ingredient in this, and it's the Nutritional Yeast (most disgusting name of anything ever), and you should go out for it (usually only 5$ at places like Whole Foods) because it really makes this dish.

The awesome thing about recipe is that it's veritable proof you can take something that is normally nine trillion calories and horrible for your body and abusive to your poor digestive system and turn it into something 101% good for you.

In less relevant news:

Indiana Pwns! He also must eat a ton of zucchini (wink wink) to get a physique like that (nudge nudge)

                                                                       (frantic shake)

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

3/4 cup water

3/4 cup nutritional yeast

2 tsp white pepper

dash black ground pepper

dash nutmeg

1/2 cup olive oil

splash almond milk

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 cup cashews

2 cloves garlic

3 medium-sized zucchinis, peeled (for 'spaghetti')

-if your sauce comes out a little heavy on the olive oil taste, add more lemon juice and a splash more almond milk. Add all ingredients (except zucchinis) into the food processor and voila

-Next, use the "grate" tool to grate 3 peeled zucchinis, in order to make the "pasta." Zucchinis make really good 'pasta' because they have a very neutral taste.

Mix the two together, and there ya go, partner.

Raw Vegan Chocolate-Coconut Ice Cream

Ummmmmmmmmmmm, yeah I made ice cream. The cool thing about vegan food is that all you have to do is substitute the dairy/meat fat for some other type of vegan fat and normally you get just-as-good (or better, ahem) dishes than non-vegan plates!

Also, I just used like three different words for "food," trying to be all savvy and writer-ly and cool, and you know what, I just ended up sounding mentally deficient ("non-vegan plates!"). That's a lesson for you: if you try to sound like you know what you're doing, you're probably going to fail, unless you're pretty. In that case, Please, come in, can you start on Monday?

Anywho, here's a nice recipe for y'all bemoaning the lack of ice cream in your life, the same way I'm bemoaning the lack of Wolverine in mine.

Raw Vegan Chocolate Coconut Ice Cream

1 cup cashews (bless you)

1 cup pecans

3/4 cup fresh, shredded coconut

1 3/4 cups water

1 cup maple syrup

2 1/2 tsp vanilla flavor

1/4 cup dark cocoa powder

1/4 tsp ground coffee

- Blend everything in the food processor until smooth and if you don't have an ice cream machine (who the fuck has an ice cream machine? people who suck that's who), just put it in the freezer overnight and enjoy!

Taz reallyyyyyyyyy wanted to lick up the droplets of chocolate ice cream, but I narrowly avoided disaster and saved the day!

Fine, fine. Pushy, pushy.

Raw Vegan Blueberry 'Cheese'cake

Yet another raw cheesecake! These are by far my favorite desserts to make, and they're so simple, and so delicious, I really implore you to try it out if you haven't yet. They taste exactly like real cheesecake but are about 8 billion times better for you (that is the actual scientific measurement).

I tried a plain and a Death By Chocolate cheesecake so I thought that this time around I would try something fruity. I took inspiration, drawing heavily from from Carmella's recipe, but I changed a few things.

Raw Vegan Blueberry 'Cheese'cake

Crust:
3/4 cups almonds
1/2 cup fresh shredded coconut
3 tbsp carob chips
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp raw honey
pinch salt
2 dates

Filling:
2 cups fresh blueberries
1 handful red grapes
1 1/2 cup cashews (unsoaked)
7 tbsp coconut oil
1 tsp dark cocoa powder
1/2-2/3 cup honey
1 tbsp lemon juice
pinch salt

Topping:
1 tbsp honey
1 heaping tbsp dark cocoa powder
1/2 handful blueberries
(add more blueberries for more watery consistency)


-The recipe is so effing simple. Just grind all of the topping ingredients in the food processor and press the mixture into the pan for the crust. I grated fresh coconut with the food processor first instead of using packaged coconut which is sweetened. If you have a food processor - try this, it looks really cool. Or...just as well don't, Your Highness.

-Blah, blah, blah. Self-indulgent comment.

-Next, process the entire filling. Add more honey if it's not sweet enough for you. I doubled the amount of honey from the original recipe. 

-Just spoon the filling onto the crust and make the topping, decorating/just throwing it on there to look fancy.

-I am going to eat this on the roof of my house at 2 AM while I watch the Perseids meteor shower, sitting by my 10$ Wal-Mart brand 'outdoor' lantern. Yay, space!!!

Ex astris, Scientia!

going where no raw cheesecake has gone before

Raw Vegan Tacos, Guacamole, "Sour Cream," and "Refried Beans"

Today I felt like I was in the zone, and finally got to try a recipe from my Raw Vegan idol The Sunny Raw Kitchen. The woman who runs it, Carmella, is so inspiring to me. She is so innovative with her raw foods and one day I hope I can be if not as talented, at least as dedicated as she is! ALSO she is from CANADA. Home of Wolverine.

So, I have a gushing crush. I know you still have N'SYNC in your iTunes. I'd say we're about even. Let's get to this stupendous 4-part recipe.

Raw Vegan Tacos, "Sour Cream," "Refried Beans," and Guacamole
original recipe here

Taco "Meat"
4 cups carrot, grated (a 1lb bag)
1 cup sundried tomatoes, soaked
1/2 red onion, minced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tbsp chili powder
2 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne
1 tsp salt

"Sour Cream"
1 1/2 cup cashews (soaked)
1/2 cup water
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tbsp lemon juice
3-4 tsp apple cider vinegar

"Refried Beans"
2 1/2 cups sunflower seeds (soaked)
1/2 yellow onion
2 tsp chili powder
2 1/2 cumin
1 tsp salt
2 tsp cashew butter
3/4 cup water

Guacamole!
2 avocados
1 cup diced tomatoes
2 tbsp lime juice
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 cup chopped red onion
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne
1/2 tsp salt


-This whole recipe is RAW so that's why you can't put beans in the "refried beans." Hey, no one pays you to ask questions. This recipe yields a LOT of healthy food, definitely enough for a week for me. I cheated a little and used 100% pure white corn tortillas instead of raw dehydrated tortillas. So this raw vegan until the tortillas.

-First things first: make the 'meat.' I grated all my carrots in the food processor, set them aside. Then I processed all the other ingredients together, including the soaked sundried tomatoes. Mix the carrots and sundried tomato mixture together by hand. This tastes EXACTLY like ground beef taco meat- really cool.

-Let that sit and absorb flavor for at least an hour. Carmella's recipe says to stick this in the dehydrator for about a half hour after you let it sit, - but I didn't find that completely necessary.

-Next, make the "Sour Cream" - simply combine all the ingredients in the processor and then let it sit in the refridgerator until serving time. Tastes effing exactly like sour cream.

-Next, make the "Refried beans." Drain the sunflower seeds, and combine all ingredients in the processor. You're going to want to leave this mixture not completely "creamy" like with the Sour Cream, leave it piecey. I let this sit in the dehydrator for a half hour before I ate and it gave it a cool texture. But it's not necessary - especially for the lazy among us (usually me).

-Next, make the guac! It's a totaly bitch cutting up everything- but it really makes you (me) happy to see the bright colors of the carrots, the green avocado, the tomato, the bright olive of the cumin, the fragrant cilantro. Man, it could only get better if Wolverine were here to help me cook.

-Luckily, I had someone even better than Wolverine to be my cooking assisant - my amazing sister, who deals with my constant whining and one-track mind, and takes awesome pictures. Thanks, Knoxville.

 

-Okay so mix the gauc with a potato masher or your fist or someone you hate's fucking face. It doesn't really matter, it'll probably always come out the same, unless you use the last version in which case you might also have tears and blood inside your mix.

-Let that sit in the fridge until you're ready to eat.

- I really felt accomplished and like an 1800s pioneer woman after making all of this from scratch. Oregon Trail, represent.

You have just died of dysentery.

Vegan Carob-Peanut Butter Cookies

I really wanted to cook with carob chips: irrelevant.

They cost me 5.94 cents: irrelevant but ridiculous. Ninety-FOUR cents.

They (carob chips) are delicious: a personal opinion and irrelevant but getting closer to relevance.

This recipe is really good - rich and very very peanut buttery. I have never cooked with carob chips before, so I was unsure how to handle them. This recipe yields delicious, small cookies. The batter is really greasy because of all the peanut butter and margarine (it's equal parts margarine + PB to flour), but they cook really well and don't fall apart.

Vegan Carob-Peanut Butter Cookies

adapted from this great recipe

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp allspice

1 cup all-natural creamy peanut butter (I got Smuckers)

1/2 cup vegan brown sugar or 1/3 cup Amber agave

1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup vegan margarine
substitute for 2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract

carob chips to taste

-First, mix all the dry ingredients. Boring.

-I used the food processor to combine the peanut butter, margarine, vanilla, egg replacer, brown sugar (or agave) and maple syrup. If you use agave, make sure to cook this for about a minute more.

-The mixture will come out really greasy and generally unappealing and sort of revolting, but stick with it chap. Combine it with the dry mixture slowly. Add the carob chips. Put the bowl in the fridge for about 45 minutes, so the dough will be easier to work with and no longer sticky.

-After the 45 mins is up, roll up the dough into little 2-inch balls and cook for about 13 mins. The pan doesn't have to be greased. Be careful not to let them sit in the oven any longer or their bottoms will come out all burnt and repulsive. I hate burnt things. I'm just a little ball of sunshine today, aren't I.

Vegan Biscuits

This recipe is really really really easy. All you need is like, twenty minutes and fork.

And... this other stuff

Vegan "Buttermilk" Biscuits
adapted from here

2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbsp vegan margarine
3/4 cup almond milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar

'butter' glaze:
1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup almond milk


-Last night BBC One's third (and LAST wtf) Sherlock episode "The Great Game" was on and I wish so bad they will make more episodes. Please make more episodes BBC? My dog Taz will promise you this face?

My luck, the BBC is probably a cat person. Ugh, fuck.

-Yeah, whatever, biscuits. Mix the margarine, baking soda, flour and salt. Cut the margarine in with a fork until the flour is a fine meal in little pieces.

-Add in the almond milk and apple cider vinegar slowly, grinding the dough by hand. It shouldn't be sticky. After eveything is mixed, roll out the dough on a flour-covered countertop and cut into circular shapes with a drinking glass. Or your laser-vision. They should be about 1/2 inch thick.

-After they are on an ungreased baking sheet, you can use the "butter" glaze mix to brush over the tops of the uncooked biscuits. Cook for 12 minutes on 350.