Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Honestly I have no idea what the fuck a "torte" is, but this just didn't come out looking enough like a cake to call it a cake. Nonetheless, it's my favorite creation so far. Dude, this is soooooooooooo good. If you're not already dead, it's going to kill ya. 

This cake is reallllly rich. The opposite of me because I spend all my money on raspberries and X-Men movies.

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Torte:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup agave
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp vanilla

Icing:
3 cups vegan powdered sugar
2 pints raspberries
1/2 cup cran-grape juice
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup vegan margarine

-First, put the cup of almond milk on the stove until it bubbles. Then add the 3/4 cup cocoa, whisking until it dissolves. The remove the pan from the stove and set aside. It's not rocket science but I still almost messed it up like six times.

-Next in a bowl add the whole wheat flour, the baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Mix it obviously. If you didn't get that by yourself, you're probably clinically unsafe to be around.

 

-Next: In a separate bowl pour the maple syrup. Use Grade B pure Canadian maple syrup, it has the best flavor. It's like what Amber agave is to Light agave. Wow, I sound like such a douchebag.

Anyways, it's from Canada and Canada's AWESOME. Yeah, I said it. From Canada came Wolverine.  We love you, America's hat.

Mix the 1/2 cup agave with the maple syrup. Add to that the tsp apple cider vinegar.

                                   

-Next: Add the almond milk/cocoa mixture to the maple/agave mixture. Also in this put the 1/2 cup coconut oil. You will need to warm the coconut oil gently to liquify it. Put the measurement in a plastic bag, and putting the plastic bag in a bowl of hot water for a minute. Whisk all together.

-Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk until clump-free.

-Put in a 9-inch pan and place in the oven on 350 for 29 mins. Go ahead, try to put it in for 30 minutes. I dare you.

-Next combine all the icing ingredients in the food processor and blend it gently. Store in the fridge until serving time.

-Oh, look the cake's done! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnncy.

-Decorate and serve. Or just throw it at someone's face, that would be funny too.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

First off, I love whiskey. I wish I could put it in everything, including my toothpaste. I wish I could put it in my saliva ducts. LOL! I'm so funny, look at me making jokes. Yay Jameson ftw.

This recipe is an amalgam of different recipes I have found on the web. The most significant change I made is including both brown sugar and agave. Also, I always use all whole wheat flour, never a mix of white and whole wheat. Ugh, I sound so racist.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

Ingredients:

2 1/3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tbsp cocoa

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup vegan margaine, softened

1/2 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup agave (or 1 cup sugar)

egg replacer for 3 eggs

1/2 cup strong black coffee

1/2 cup of whiskey

Side note: Most maragines are vegan, however trace bits of milk etc can get into any maragarine not labeled "vegan." The only reason I buy the specific vegan kind is because Earth Balance can come "soy free" and I like that. Because I'm a freak.

-First, mix flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt in a large bowl. Sift it, ho.

-In a separate bowl, mix the maragarine, brown sugar, and agave. Cream it together. This recipe goes well with Amber not Light agave, because it has a richer flavor. Like your mom.

-Add 3 tbspn egg replacer to equal parts water and add this to the wet mixture.

-Next: In a separate dish add the 1/2 cup of whiskey to the 1/2 cup of coffee. I'd consider using anything but Jameson for this recipe to be blasphemous. But who the hell am I? God? Someone with big tits? Who the hell is listening to me? Use whatever you want, you jackass.

Coffee and whiskey! Nom nom nom.

-Next: Add the wet mixture and the coffee/whiskey blend to the dry mixture slowly. Taste the batter once it's done. If hot people had a flavor, it would be this one.

-Next: Cook on 350 for 40 mins in any pan. Pause: remember to grease the pan w/margarine because if you don't you'll be sad like I was when I pulled it out of the oven and it stuck to the inside of the pan. I almost cried like a church on a Monday but then my mom came over and saved it because she could tell I was on the verge of a mini breakdown; as that's completely normal and not drastic at all. Thanks Ma, you're cool. PS. I'm watching Teen Wolf right now.

-Dust w/powdered sugar. Or don't; this isn't Adolf Hitler's cooking hour.

-If you're going for elegant I would suggest styrofoam plates purchased at your local Wal-Mart and a plastic fork that was preferably on sale at Publix in bulk, but do what you can.

Vegan Cornbread

This isn't "raw" vegan because it's being cooked in the oven, but it's still offensively good. If you like really dense but light, unsweet cornbread, this is for yoself mere mortal.

Vegan Cornbread
Ingredients:

2 cups cornmeal
3/4 can yellow corn
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 cups unsweetened almond milk
1/3 cup canola oil
2 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp honey or maple syrup
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup brown flax seeds


-Step one: mix the apple cider vinegar and the almond milk. You've gotta curd that bitch. Whip it good. Don't forget the honey or the maple syrup to the wet mixture, like I did almost did. If you do this, you will catch the pox.

-Next: In a separate bowl mix the dry ingredients. Mix together the 2 cups cornmeal, whole wheat flour, can of yellow corn (I only used 3/4 of the can), and baking powder together. Add the canola oil to this mixture as well. Beat ittttttttt.

-Now: we're getting funky. What, jackass? I love cornbread. Mix the wet and dry ingredients together. I'm not even going to say it, but you know what I think this looks like.

-Next: You can add the flax seeds if you want to/have them. I add flax seeds to everything because they have OMEGA-3s and they're supposed to make you less of a moron. Honestly, it hasn't worked out that well for me so far, so. Up to you.

-Next: Put the entire mixture into a 9x13 (or whatever else you have, come on) pan lined with parchment paper. If you grease it, do it with oil not buttah. Otherwise it won't be vegan, yo. Parchment paper requires less clean up =win. And it gives the bread a cool texture.

Jesus, I can't write comments on every photo. Are you really concerned? Um... look. Here it is again from a different angle. I can take cool artistic shots of food. Except substitute "cool" and "artistic" for "desperate" and "needy for attention."

-Bake for 35 mins on 350 degree heat. If you keep it in for less, the inside texture might be a little grainy. No one likes grains. Not even their mothers.

-I think this tastes really good drizzled w/honey or jam. But what do I know, I eat vegan food so it's probably all disgusting in general. Thanks, critic.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Right now, I live somewhere where apple pies cry in a bathroom stall because no one likes them and key lime pie is the cool kid. Needless to say, I'm the apple pie because I'm a loser and I'm excited for the Avengers movie, probably more excited than I am to wake up in the morning. I nearly died the other day when the whole cast got together at Comic Con. All I can say is that I'm sad Wolverine won't be included in the cast as well, because frankly, he owns.

Anyway...pie. Key Lime Pie is such a tool, so fuck you Key Lime Pie. There is literally a jillion (yes, a jillion) ways you could make raw vegan apple pie. So here's my version.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Crust:

1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 cups pecans
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup dates

Filling:
6 medium apples, peeled, cored - I used red because I'm a communist! JK. Not even close. But I did use red.
3/4 cup dates
1/2 cup raisins
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbspn honey

Topping:
3/4 cup cranberries
2 large squirts honey
2 handfuls of red grapes
3/4 cup water
1 handful of blueberries

-First, food process all the ingredients for the crust and press the crust mixture into the bottom of the pan. It should smell like Canada, aka maple syrup. Wolverine would be proud.

Look. That's so pretty. You didn't think you had it in you, did you? Yeah, I didn't have faith in you either.

-Next, peel and dice the apples. If you don't dice them really small, the food processor will probably explode all over your face and turn you into a hideous half-man a la Harvey Dent.

This is my dog Taz. He was really concerned, probably because he knows I have an IQ lower than his.

-Add 3/4 of the diced apples and the dates into the food processor. Then add raisins and honey and cinnamon. After this is all mixed, dump out the filling mixture into a bowl. Blend the other 1/4 apples separately. Then blend both mixtures together, otherwise it might get messy and there will be large pieces of unchopped apple.

-

-Spoon the apple mixture into the crust. Garnish with raisins and cranberries if you want to be a bamf.

-Next, mix the blueberries, grapes, cranberries, water and honey to make the sauce.

-I recommend making this pie if you want to eat it right away because it doesn't keep well for many days. The apple topping makes the crust soggy. When you're all done, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then enjoy!

Raw Vegan Green Smoothie

I just completely made this up and was under the impression it would be complete and utter crap. Lo and behold, I'm not as mentally underdeveloped as I frequently prove myself to be.

Raw Vegan Green Smoothie:

Ingredients:

2 cups fresh spinach
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup lemon juice
1 cup almond milk
1 scoop hemp protein powder (or soy, whey, - not vegan)

Just blend all this in the food processor and you're done! Seriously don't add too much vanilla extract or you're going to want to vomit up everything you ate for the last 3 days. I was tempted to (and did, of course) and there was waaaaay too much of that fake vanilla-y flavor and I hated it and stomped off like the immature infant that I am.

This looks vaguely like I sneezed into the food processor.

Now it looks classy. Take a shot and be really happy you just ate a ton of spinach and it tasted good! Popeye would be proud. You are what you are and you know it.

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers

I know you're asking yourself, "What exactly constitutes a Mexican cracker?" You're probably not asking yourself that, but if you were, here is your answer: how the fuck do I know. I just added lots of hot spices, snapped my fingers in the air a couple times, waved around a sombrero and did other stereotypical Mexican things until they turned out right. This is another mix-and-match recipe from different places on the web that I forget. So kill me. You can't I'm already dead.

This recipe is sort of complicated because you need to use a dehydrator. I know: ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. So that's why I think you can cook these in an oven at a low temp (prob 120 degrees) as well. If you cook them above 120, they won't be "raw" vegan. For those of you that don't know, "raw" vegan just means "extra anal-retentive" vegan (that's what she said). It's believed according to that ideology that if food is cooked about 120 degrees, it loses some/all of its nutritional value.

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers

Ingredients:

1 cup almonds

1 cup sunflower seeds, shelled, unsalted

1/2 cup cashews

1/2 cup flax seeds

3 tomatoes of your choosing, hooray

1 jalapeno

1 red bell pepper

3 sundried tomatoes

1 Cubanelle pepper
rosemary to taste (or whatever spice you like, I think rosemary is good for this recipe)
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp onion powder

-Okay number one: Put the sunflower seeds, cashews (bless you), flax seeds, and almonds in the food processor and grind them into a paste.

-Next, empty the nut paste into a bowl for later use. Now, cut the tomatoes in half, seed those bitches, and chop. After that, chop the Cubanelle pepper. If you can't find a Cubanelle, stop caring so much and use something else. Also chop the red bell pepper and put this all into the food processor.

-Add the spices and rosemary next. I think the rosemary makes the recipe, but since when do you care what I think? Blend this homie like there's no tomorrow.

Next: add the nut paste to the vegetable mixture, and process it all together. I know the nuts look like a mixture between baby throw up and dog shit, but I promise it's going to be really really good. I know it's hard to believe. What are you, a cynic? That's my job.

-Now that everything is blended, it's time to put it in the dehydrator. I tried to put everything on wax paper and make it look nice, but I have no motor skills so it ended up looking like I was channeling Arnie from Benny and Joon. So instead, I just slapped them onto the dehydrator into some semblance of a square shape.

-Leave them in the dehydrator for 2 days. This time is really according to the qualty of your machine. I had to leave them in this long because they ended up being so thick (that's what she said).

-So, I checked the clock and it's been thirty years. That must mean the crackers are done! And it was worth the wait, the divorce, and all the arthritis. Look at how delicious and spicy they are! You were getting fat and depressed from your no pre-nup settlement arguments, but now you can eat a whole box of crackers and not feel guilty about it! You might even look so good that you'll temporarily blind your soon-to-be ex and be able to get the Corvette out of it, after all! Nom nom nom fragrant goodness.

Raw Vegan Brownies

These are my absolute favorite thing ever. I know you don't care, humor me for like eight seconds, Jesus. They are so fudgy and rich and perfect and delightful and small. And they're made from walnuts which are good for your whats? Your BRRAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSS as we zombies like to say. They're also super easy to make (super super super super, it's the word of pretentious assholes), and that's perfect because we all know you're lazy!


Raw Vegan Brownies + Chocolate Icing:

Brownies:
1 cup walnuts (do not soak)
1/4 cup cocoa
1 cup dates

Icing:
2 avocados
3/4 cups agave nectar
2 tbspn coconut oil
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup cocoa
dash cinnamon
dash salt

-First combine all the incredients for the brownie in the food processor, and food process that bitch. It'll be really dark and sticky. Don't make me make another 'that's what she said' joke. This smells like, soooooooo good. Press the mixture intothe bottom of a small pan.

-After this is all done, throw it into the freezer overnight so everything sets. Next, take all the ingredients for the icing, and wait until morning to process it, or whenever you plan on eating the brownies. The icing needs to be refridgerated at all times or it'll end up looking like your spleen did on day 27 after your burial. You might need to add more agave to this frosting depending on your preferences.

-It's easy to get the avocado out if you cut it in a criss-cross pattern. Don't be scared of avocados in frosting. They're a lot less scary than Joan Rivers' face and I know you watch that stupid E! Red Carpet thing. I know you do.

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake

Okay, I'm just getting the hang of this "blog" thing. Give me a break. I have been dead for like, three hundred years, and I also am missing the nub of my left ring finger (chopped it off when I found out my ex-husband was sleeping with the corpse of Angelina Jolie's grandmother). Whore.

Anyways! This is my first recipe for Raw Vegan Cheesecake. I adapted this recipe from a bunch of raw cheesecake websites on the web (I like to mix and match).

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake:

Ingredients

Filling:

3 1/2 cups unsalted cashews (soak 1-4 hours)

1 cup water

1 cup coconut oil

3/4 cup lemon juice

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup agave nectar

Crust:
2 cups unsalted almonds (soak 1-4 hours)
1 cup pitted dates (soak with almonds)

Garnish: Strawberries, cut

Homie, let them soak. If you don't you will be sorely disappointed in yourself. I am already disappointed in you and you probably haven't even done anything yet.

-First cut the strawberries for garnish. Don't get too excited.

We've got really nice facilities in Hell, don't we? 

-After 1-4 hours, combine dates and almonds in the food processor and blend until they have a "diced" look to them. It's going to stick together like the corpses of Romeo and Juliet. Press the mixture into a pan.

-After 1-4 hours of soaking the cashews, put them in the food processor alongside everything else in the filling list. It'll taste so good you'll puke, I swear. You're going to need to melt-down the coconut oil, (put the measurement in a plastic bag, then let it sit in hot water for a minute).

Spoon it all into the crust after it gets a creamy texture, and then put the cheesecake into the freezer for 1-3 hours. It won't "freeze" it'll just harden (that's what she said). The coconut oil in it is a solid a room temperature and this is what stabilizes the pie. You learned something new today (?) ! If you didn't, well excuse me, ass, next time I won't try.

-After you take it out of the freezer, let it defrost for about a 1/2 hour in the fridge. You can then try to be a real douchebag like me and decorate it with the strawberries so people compliment you. Money can buy you love if you use it to buy ingredients for pie.

-Now. Why are you making this cake in the first place? Don't eat it all by yourself you fat ass. But you know, even if this isn't for a zombie dinner party, all the good-for-you fats inside of it will actually help you lose weight. Cooler than a witch's tit, right?? If any of your dead weight companions aren't vegan and start to bemoan your choice of lifestyle, shove a forkful of this in their mouth. I guarantee you they'll like it better than the real stuff.

And if they don't, oh well, they suck.