Hummus is Yummus

My favorite thing on earth to eat is chickpeas. I like chickpeas on pancakes, I like chickpeas on pizza. I like chickpeas in my toothpaste and if they invented it, I would buy chickpea flavored lube. Well, no probably not. But I would consider it.

So, here is a quick, easy, no-brain-dead-idiot-could-mess-this-up version of the best thing since before the Beatles: Hummus.

Quick Easy Hummus

1 can chickpeas + water in can

2 tbsp tahini paste

2 tbsp olive oil

3/4 tsp salt

2 tsp lemon juice

2 tsp minced garlic

-This is a recipe even your dog couldn't mess up, even my dog, who is probably a reincarnated rock.

-Hummus has tons of PROTEIN, so it's awesome! Or, it'll give you really bad indigestion.

-Just blend all of this in the food processor and you're good to go! If you eat bread and aren't gluten-adverse, make sure your bread doesn't have lactylate as an ingredient b/c this can come from animals. However, it can also come from plants, or be synthetically created! (yay scary labs!) So check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

-Lastly, if you want to be all posh and fancy and better than me, sprinkle paprika over the top of your godly creation. It will look professional and like you have more skillz than you do! (Lying is the best way to impress people!)

-Ummmm, that's it. I'll put up something more interesting when I get more interesting.

(don't hold your breath)

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies

Or, pseudo-chocolate chip cookies.

Or, awesomeness with awesome sauce.

Okay, I'll be honest, I have nothing funny or clever today. On all accounts, I've been quite boring. My normal, antisocial, semi-sociopathic personality has come out to lounge on the lilo and here, I have this offering for you, promising I'll come around.

I actually like the way carob chips taste even better than chocolate chips, but, we never did say I was normal, did we.

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies
1/2 cup canola oil
1 tsp vanilla
1 heaping tbsp cornstarch
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup water
carob chips to taste
1 cup vegan sugar





-Just mix all bits and lay out on a greased cookie sheet.
-These came out tasting exactly like your mom's chocolate chip cookies - they're really gooey to begin with, but they harden up. Cook on 350 for about 10 mins.
-I just sort of threw mine onto the pan and didn't roll them up into balls. I would advise rolling them up so they don't resemble invertebrates.

-Ummmmmmmmm, nothing.

Vegan Blueberry Breakfast Bars

Wow. Wow. Wow. These are really good. Not very sweet, aside from the blueberry flavor, which is awesome. Just how I like it. Somehow, they manage to stay so light and airy and chewy it's almost offensive. Almost.

Blueberry Breakfast Bars
fantastic original recipe here

1 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup oats
1/3 cup vegan brown sugar or maple syrup
2 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup almond milk
1/4 cup applesauce
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 1/2 cup blueberries




-Basically, mix everything together except the blueberries, and then fold the blueberries in so they don't get crushed and mushy.

-Put mixture into a greased pan (I used parchment paper instead, in my opinion, so much better) in an 8x8 pan or equal size. Oven on 400 and leave em' in for about 25 mins and you're so good.

-Taz wanted some :( I gave him some blueberries. Good little boy.

Vegan Grilled Polenta

I have raw alfredo and raw pesto sitting in the fridge, and became suddenly possessed by the idea of cooking polenta the other day when I saw it at the store. Or really, when I saw the pricetag of it in the store (2.50).

So I invented this recipe which is really, superbly great tasting. If I don't say so myself, and I am saying so myself *gentlemanly wink* It makes a great summer appetizer.

I'm a lazy f*** so I bought the pre-cooked Polenta. Really, who wants to sit and stir polenta for 45 mins in a (specifically) copper pot? I might have on another day, just because I think it is hilarious all the recipes say a "copper" pot.

What would happen if I cooked it in a steel pot?? The world may never know.

Vegan Grilled Polenta
1/4 cup walnuts
1 package pre-cooked polenta
canola oil
vegan pesto
vegan alfredo
3/4 cup julienne sundried tomatoes
1/2 cup red wine
salt
cracked ground pepper
4 gloves minced garlic
parsley to taste




-First, soak the sundried tomatoes in the red wine. Leave it for later.

-Next, sautee garlic, salt and pepper in canola oil. I used an electric frying pan to do this.

-Chop polenta into thick pieces. The thin ones don't do too well during grilling. Throw them into the frying pan to singe them - this will not take very long.

-Next, lay the polenta onto a cookie sheet and cover with dash salt/pepper, parsley, pesto, walnuts, and sundried tomatoes.

-Put these homies in the oven on 350 for 10 minutes.

-Cover with vegan alfredo and serve warm! nom nom nom

Raw Vegan Pesto w/Tofu Noodles

So, today I went to the market with the express purpose of making pot stickers, because my life is oh so interesting (it's ok, judge me) and for some inexplicable reason I look FORWARD to making pot stickers. That reason is actually, if you could not guess, me having no life.

I was very sad to find out that the wonton wraps I was going to use had egg in them. So, picking myself up from my deflated moment of blatant self-pity and potential wrath (damn you, eggs, damn you all) I saw something else cool.

I love spending way too much time in grocery stores and unearthing random food products and today I found Tofu Shirataki, a noodle made by blending tofu and the Konnyaku plant. What the fuck is that, do you say? It is sometimes referred to as a yam, and looks like this:

It has a gelatin-like property, and is used to make jellies. It's popular in Asia!

Thank you, Asia!

So anywho, it's vegan, gluten-free, and comes in a bunch of different pasta "styles." The kicker really was it being only 20 calories per serving! Well, I declare! That means you can load it up with delicious home-made pesto.

If you buy this, make sure that you rinse the noodles thoroughly and then microwave it for about a minute. It'll get rid of the 'fishy' smell it has - and it really does have this bizarre smell until you zap it. That's what he said. Holy shit, I just realized this looks like a vagina AND smells fishy, seriously that is gross, but at the same time, too much of a coincidence to ignore.

Raw Vegan Pesto
1 cup walnuts
1 cup olive oil
1 tsp salt
6 gloves garlic, minced
2-3 cups packed basil
1 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 tbsp nutritional yeast (optional)






-I used walnuts in my pesto because pine nuts are too much effing money. You can also use almonds, they work really well.

-Just process all ingredients and top your fav pasta, or store in refridgerator.

Word.

Edit. Note: I just noticed on the Tofu Shirataki website it calls the fishy smell of the noodles before microwaving the "authentic aroma" bwhahaha. Riiiight.

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

This is the most amazing recipe, so quick and easy and absolutely delicious. There's only 1 semi unavailable ingredient in this, and it's the Nutritional Yeast (most disgusting name of anything ever), and you should go out for it (usually only 5$ at places like Whole Foods) because it really makes this dish.

The awesome thing about recipe is that it's veritable proof you can take something that is normally nine trillion calories and horrible for your body and abusive to your poor digestive system and turn it into something 101% good for you.

In less relevant news:

Indiana Pwns! He also must eat a ton of zucchini (wink wink) to get a physique like that (nudge nudge)

                                                                       (frantic shake)

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

3/4 cup water

3/4 cup nutritional yeast

2 tsp white pepper

dash black ground pepper

dash nutmeg

1/2 cup olive oil

splash almond milk

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 cup cashews

2 cloves garlic

3 medium-sized zucchinis, peeled (for 'spaghetti')

-if your sauce comes out a little heavy on the olive oil taste, add more lemon juice and a splash more almond milk. Add all ingredients (except zucchinis) into the food processor and voila

-Next, use the "grate" tool to grate 3 peeled zucchinis, in order to make the "pasta." Zucchinis make really good 'pasta' because they have a very neutral taste.

Mix the two together, and there ya go, partner.