Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Right now, I live somewhere where apple pies cry in a bathroom stall because no one likes them and key lime pie is the cool kid. Needless to say, I'm the apple pie because I'm a loser and I'm excited for the Avengers movie, probably more excited than I am to wake up in the morning. I nearly died the other day when the whole cast got together at Comic Con. All I can say is that I'm sad Wolverine won't be included in the cast as well, because frankly, he owns.

Anyway...pie. Key Lime Pie is such a tool, so fuck you Key Lime Pie. There is literally a jillion (yes, a jillion) ways you could make raw vegan apple pie. So here's my version.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Crust:

1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 cups pecans
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup dates

Filling:
6 medium apples, peeled, cored - I used red because I'm a communist! JK. Not even close. But I did use red.
3/4 cup dates
1/2 cup raisins
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbspn honey

Topping:
3/4 cup cranberries
2 large squirts honey
2 handfuls of red grapes
3/4 cup water
1 handful of blueberries

-First, food process all the ingredients for the crust and press the crust mixture into the bottom of the pan. It should smell like Canada, aka maple syrup. Wolverine would be proud.

Look. That's so pretty. You didn't think you had it in you, did you? Yeah, I didn't have faith in you either.

-Next, peel and dice the apples. If you don't dice them really small, the food processor will probably explode all over your face and turn you into a hideous half-man a la Harvey Dent.

This is my dog Taz. He was really concerned, probably because he knows I have an IQ lower than his.

-Add 3/4 of the diced apples and the dates into the food processor. Then add raisins and honey and cinnamon. After this is all mixed, dump out the filling mixture into a bowl. Blend the other 1/4 apples separately. Then blend both mixtures together, otherwise it might get messy and there will be large pieces of unchopped apple.

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-Spoon the apple mixture into the crust. Garnish with raisins and cranberries if you want to be a bamf.

-Next, mix the blueberries, grapes, cranberries, water and honey to make the sauce.

-I recommend making this pie if you want to eat it right away because it doesn't keep well for many days. The apple topping makes the crust soggy. When you're all done, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then enjoy!