Thursday, July 29, 2010

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers

I know you're asking yourself, "What exactly constitutes a Mexican cracker?" You're probably not asking yourself that, but if you were, here is your answer: how the fuck do I know. I just added lots of hot spices, snapped my fingers in the air a couple times, waved around a sombrero and did other stereotypical Mexican things until they turned out right. This is another mix-and-match recipe from different places on the web that I forget. So kill me. You can't I'm already dead.

This recipe is sort of complicated because you need to use a dehydrator. I know: ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. So that's why I think you can cook these in an oven at a low temp (prob 120 degrees) as well. If you cook them above 120, they won't be "raw" vegan. For those of you that don't know, "raw" vegan just means "extra anal-retentive" vegan (that's what she said). It's believed according to that ideology that if food is cooked about 120 degrees, it loses some/all of its nutritional value.

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers
1 cup almonds
1 cup sunflower seeds, shelled, unsalted
1/2 cup cashews
1/2 cup flax seeds
3 tomatoes of your choosing, hooray
1 jalapeno
1 red bell pepper
3 sundried tomatoes
1 Cubanelle pepper
rosemary to taste (or whatever spice you like, I think rosemary is good for this recipe)
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp onion powder

-Okay number one: Put the sunflower seeds, cashews (bless you), flax seeds, and almonds in the food processor and grind them into a paste.

-Next, empty the nut paste into a bowl for later use. Now, cut the tomatoes in half, seed those bitches, and chop. After that, chop the Cubanelle pepper. If you can't find a Cubanelle, stop caring so much and use something else. Also chop the red bell pepper and put this all into the food processor.

-Add the spices and rosemary next. I think the rosemary makes the recipe, but since when do you care what I think? Blend this homie like there's no tomorrow.

Next: add the nut paste to the vegetable mixture, and process it all together. I know the nuts look like a mixture between baby throw up and dog shit, but I promise it's going to be really really good. I know it's hard to believe. What are you, a cynic? That's my job.

-Now that everything is blended, it's time to put it in the dehydrator. I tried to put everything on wax paper and make it look nice, but I have no motor skills so it ended up looking like I was channeling Arnie from Benny and Joon. So instead, I just slapped them onto the dehydrator into some semblance of a square shape.

-Leave them in the dehydrator for 2 days. This time is really according to the qualty of your machine. I had to leave them in this long because they ended up being so thick (that's what she said).

-So, I checked the clock and it's been thirty years. That must mean the crackers are done! And it was worth the wait, the divorce, and all the arthritis. Look at how delicious and spicy they are! You were getting fat and depressed from your no pre-nup settlement arguments, but now you can eat a whole box of crackers and not feel guilty about it! You might even look so good that you'll temporarily blind your soon-to-be ex and be able to get the Corvette out of it, after all! Nom nom nom fragrant goodness.

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