THIS. IS. sogood. It's so assaultingly chocolately it should come with a warning label.
It's okay, Wolverine. I can handle it this time.
Death By Chocolate Raw Vegan Cheesecake
1/2 cup pecans (soaked 1 hour)
1/2 cup walnuts (soaked 1 hour)
2 tbsp cacao nibs
2-3 tbsp agave
3 1/2 cups cashews (soaked 1-4 hours)
3/4 cup agave
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/2 tsp ground coffee
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup water
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1/2 cup dark cocoa powder
-Notice how I gave the recipe a clever name this time? Yeah, I thought it was awesome and cute. Shut the fuck up. Now that we've exchanged pleasantries:
-First: soak all the nuts 1-4 hours before cooking. Raw cheesecake really is worth all the waiting on the nuts, ahahaha everytime I type nuts I think of testicles. Anyhow, it is SO good, the raw cheesecake, not the testicles. In my opinion, actually far better than real cheesecake. And howwwwdy, better for ya.
-Next, combine all the ingredients for the crust in the food processor and press "ON." Yeah, I think I'm just a witty little fuck, you know. Cacao nibs are basically like the best thing ever: they're the unsweetened cocoa bean, and they are packed with mood/cognition enhancing Theobromine.. blah blah science. They're small and crunchy and the Aztecs used to chew on them. That makes them awesome.
-Next, put the soaked cashews, agave, maple (Canada!), coconut oil, cocoa powders, dates, salt, vanilla and water in the food processor. I know I always go on and on about how awesome Canada is, but in reality, it's New Zealand. I was listening to different countries' national anthems last night at around 1 AM (I have no life, it's accepted), and NZ has the most amazing fucking national anthem I've ever heard. The instrumental sounds like the intro to a game show. HAHAHA Behind dooooorrrr number one we have: the entire country of New Zealand!!!
Needless to say, it is AWESOME. You should definitely listen to it here on Youtube while you cook. You won't be disappointed. The first verse is, I think, the aboriginal version.
-Anyways, other than New Zealand's success at life, you should empty the contents of the food processor into the pan right now (that's what she said) and be a success yourself!
-om nom nom nom, soooo chocolatey!!
-Voila! Store in the freezer for 2 hours, and then "defrost" 1/2 a half hour in the fridge before serving.
-Wow, you did it!
PS. I had to look up how to spell "success" like 8 times.